After therapy

I was afraid to tell

any of my friends

   especially men.

I was ashamed

afraid they might abandon me.

Gradually I tested them.

I told my story.

After they had taken time

to comprehend the truth

they comforted

they cared --

another proof that

   there is Good

   past is gone.

I am not spoiled.

Powerful Words

Everybody has a word or two

that carries extra power.

For some they are four-letter word;

   coarse

   dramatic

or attacks on religion.

No-no words

   that call up

   shocks of the heart

   imbalances of senses

   ugly thoughts.

Everyone has some of these words.

I was amazed to learn from friends

that two of my powerful words

are not shocking

   or blasphemous

   to them

   or to most people.

All these years

   my heart pounded

   and my mind worried

   whenever I heard them     said.

I wouldn't say them aloud.

My words were

   touch

   and kiss.

Well-Meaning

There have been those

I sought to have help me --

some trained in religious conviction

some friends who wanted to help.

They meant well.

But neither they

   nor I

knew how deep this problem was

nor how to handle it.

Generally after a short while

I could tell

I wasn't being helped at all.

I was being judged

   or questioned

   or misunderstood.

I needed more.

They meant well

but sometimes I took a backwards step

in seeking them.

It is important to know

what one is unable to do.

I wish they had told me

to turn to someone else

   a professional

   who knew.

Perhaps we all have learned

something about the limits

of those who want to help.

Next time I hope they'll refer.

God! Take away this awful time!

I can't hold my hatred in

and I'm afraid to let it fly.

If I let it go

   outside a safe environment

it may hurt someone innocent.

God, give me a safe place

   a safe person

who can help me be

without destroying someine else

or me.

Fear

Fear is still a way of life.

Afraid of closets

being in a boat on a lake

or alone in an elevator

of dark streets

anger

hunting trophies

men

attics

my body

blocked doorways

men

shotguns

loud reveling.

Fear of never being able

to let someone love me.

Courage

A friend told me

that my past was not important --

what matters is that I had

the courage to face it.

Courage!

Me?

After all the years of hiding

and repressing the truth

in fear

I am now the one

called brave!

I'm proud.

God

I've been glad for God the Spirit

and for God the Son

because I don't believe

my heart can ever understand

that God

is like a father.

I know now

I shall always be afraid

for children.

I watch them

   and adults nearby

wary, cautious

ready to protect the helpless

if they need me.

It's a magnified reaction

which may never change

because it is reality for me

based on my experience with you.

Change

On a quiet September night

barely warm from summer

I breathe the world --

Fresh, renewing.

A deep breath

At last relaxed.

My body is able now

   to cry

   to touch

   to play --

even, now and then, to trust.

My body breathes freely

because it belongs at last

to me.

Decision

Now that I remember

have worked through my past

and how it lives in me today

I can make a choice.

I can talk with you Dad

   tell you how I feel

and prepare myself

   for all the ways you my respond

   (I'll practice them).

Or I can leave you

far behind

walk away

   and start again

create a separate life

where only memories can reach me.

You cannot touch me there.

Either choice is difficult.

I must wait

to see what's best to do --

   best not for you

   but best for me.