Many couples experience discomfort when conflict arises in a relationship. It is tempting to become defensive and to withdraw. Here are ten ways to "check in" with your loved one, in a way that will create more open and loving communication.

1. "Something happened and I'm feeling _________________. I need to check my perceptions with you." (or do a reality check)

 2. "I'm feeling out of balance right now and I need to talk to you about it. Could you listen while I try to figure out what's causing me to feel this way?"

 3. "I'm having a hard time figuring out what I'm feeling right now, and where it's coming from. I'd appreciate it if you could listen while I figure it out."

4. " I haven't spent enough time with you, and I'd like to find out how things are going for you. Can we spend some time together?"

5. "I've been learning lots of new things and discovering some new ways of being. I'd like to share them with you. Can we do that now?" (later, whenever)

6. "I think I've just had a new insight about something. I think it will really help me (and maybe both of us!) past some 'stuck places' we've been.

7. "Feelings are hard for me, I need some help figuring out just what I AM feeling right now, will you help me?"

8. "I was confused by your reaction just now (or earlier, or the other day or whenever!) and I would like to check if my perceptions and assumptions are accurate."

9. "I found myself 'shutting down' just now, and I would like to learn how to NOT do that as often. Can we talk about why I think I might have felt shut down?"

10. "I love you and I'm concerned about something (you are doing, you said, you did, that is happening etc.) I'd like to talk to you about it. Is now a good time?"

About the Submitter:

This piece was submitted by C.L.Burger,

Coach, Consultant,Teacher,Spiritual Director, who can be reached at

coach and consultant for survivors of child abuse and those who work with

them. I also teach courses and seminars on "Effective Communication" as well