@10/30/2001 My niece went to admit to her mother that she's the one who had given out the info that my mother was dreaming about me. My sister, Pat, was put out that she didn't know I had written and talked to my mother. She called my mother, who told her she had "handled it just fine", in other words she had supposedly cleaned the floor with me.
My sister Pat told my niece that ALL of her daughters had disappointed her. *shaking my head* I told my son, "How's Cinthy disappointed her? By dying?" (She's dying of cancer at age 37). How'd Sharon disappoint her? By finding it too hard to keep her mother's secrets, being diagnosed schizophrenic, dying in a fire at age 40?
And Marlene? Disappointed her mom by being unwilling to keep silent - she had to be disowned. Sounds like she's thriving these days. *grin* At least there's a few of us.
I think of the niece my sister was telling she's so disappointed in her - pretty, a 2nd grade school teacher, happily married, a new mom. Pat's willing to disown her over daring to talk.
"Co-dependency is an emotional, behavioral and psychological disease which develops as a result of prolonged exposure to and practice of a dysfunctional set of family rules, thus causing harmful and repeated self-defeating behaviors.
This pattern makes the open expression of thoughts and feelings difficult or impossible.
As a co-dependent, I have found that my relationships to important people in my life and even to myself are unfulfilling." Cottonwood Recovery Center
I haven't a clue why Pat is so disappointed in her daughter Cheryl Lee. Maybe she's getting too "well" for her mother's comfort.
I remember my own mother saying about my sister over and over again, "Poor Pat, she just can't handle life." My mother always expressed her disappointment in Pat as a daughter. My mother probably now expresses her disappointment about me - the one who used to be her favorite.
Now my sister was mimicking her own mother's demeaning behavior.
Before my paternal grandmother died 6/6/1963, Nana was disapproving of Pat's first husband and wrote the will to give $25K each to Carol and I, and only $15K to Pat when our father died. Pat left her first husband after Nana died, and the will couldn't be changed.
After our father died 9/18/78, mother told Pat that she'd "make up" the difference some day. I think she has over the years.
My mother likes to leave family with the impression that she has a say in how the trust fund will be dispersed after her death. She doesn't.
After dad died, we each received a trust fund check along with papers to be signed stating that our childhood home was to be retained by the trust fund for the exclusive use and enjoyment of our mother without rent or charge so long as she chooses to reside there, but only during her lifetime or until her remarriage. She would continue to receive an income from the trust fund. It had been a secret all of our growing up that the trust fund owned the house.
Some years later, my mother told us we needed to sign some business papers. The paperwork was to allow the trust fund to sell the house we'd lived in all our lives, and for my mother to continue to receive an income from the trust fund while she rented a condo near her kids. The worth of the trust fund, and the way the will was written was still a secret. We didn't question why we had to sign the papers. Mother must have been very nervous about her income until we all passively signed the papers. As adults, and remainder beneficiaries, we could have been in communication with the trustee ourselves, but that didn't happen until I dared to track him down years later.
My mother is still living in a condo on her own at age 92 (age 94 and then moved out @8/03).
Pat has tried over and over again to get mom to move in with her. I can still remember the look in my mother's face of fear and determination in the face of Pat's efforts - my mother didn't want to be trapped.
About a year? before my breakdown remembering I heard thru the family grapevine a tiny piece of info that we never talked about again, that Pat was taken to emergency for something similar to a breakdown, where she was told by an astonished doctor that she'd been clinically depressed for her entire life. As far as I know, Pat didn't get help after that doctor visit either.
My sister Pat, now age 61, has tried all her life to get our mother's approval. Or maybe it's the money she's still waiting for.
Pat's willing to watch her family fall apart in order to keep trying.
"The briefest definition of evil I know is that it is 'militant ignorance'. But evil is not general ignorance; more specifically, it is militant ignorance of the Shadow. Those who are evil refuse to bear the pain of guilt or to allow the Shadow into consciousness and 'meet' it. Instead, they will set about - often at great effort - militantly trying to destroy the evidence of their sin or anyone who speaks of it or represents it. And in this act of destruction, their evil is committed...Those who are evil go another way. They fail to suffer. Because they lash out at others and use them as scapegoats, it is the people around them who must suffer...Most people who commit evil are usually seen as ordinary citizens...they are solid citizens who fit in well with society, who do and say most of the right things on the surface...Those who have crossed over the line that separates sin from evil are characterized most by their absolute refusal to tolerate a sense of their own sinfulness. This is because their central defect is not that they have no conscience but that they refuse to bear its pain. In other words, it is not so much the sin itself but the refusal to acknowledge it that makes it evil."
"In exploring the relationship between genius and mental health, Ludwig wrote that among the great geniuses of our times, all showed a readiness to discard prevalent views, an irreverence toward established authority, a strong capacity for solitude, and a 'psychological unease', which could cause mental trouble such as depression, anxiety, or alcoholism. But if these qualities were not too incapacitating, they actually contributed to the individual's ability to achieve significant creativity, blaze new trails, propose radical solutions, and promote new schools of thought." People of the Lie by Scott Peck
I haven't felt the need to add to this web since about 2003, and I do very little speaking or writing on these issues anymore. I'm leaving this web up for those who don't yet have a voice, for those who are finding their voice, and for those well into recovery. Best wishes to all of you.
_______________________________________________07/26/02 I wrote the producer of a documentary called, "Dirty Little Secret" after I read about it in our local newspaper. He called me this past week, and he asked my help.
He needs some survivors of ethnic origin willing to talk on camera about their story. He doesn't feel comfortable releasing the documentary until it expresses the diversity.
It doesn't matter where the survivor lives. He explained that they flew to CA from MN a survivor, and put her up in a nice hotel for 2 days.
Please forward this to survivors and survivors' lists you may belong to.
If you know of anyone, please let me know.
12/26/03 "Dear Cheryl. Thanks for your continued support for the project. Have created a powerful 17 minute video which is now being presented to various networks. Once I secure a production agreement will proceed with a one-hour documentary and a related public/information education program. Will still need some additional ethnic diversity in the production and consequently I responded to the recent e-mail. Hope all is well and happy holiday. Best. Jim"
