24 Stages of Growth for Survivor's of Incest
The Incest Survivors' Aftereffects Checklist
Having trouble with body memories?
The Redondo Beach MBW Family strives (progress, not perfection) for healthy family function.
Unhealthy/Healthy A Healthy Family
One day my stepson Aaron and daughter Angela were home alone, fighting, Aaron calling Mark, Angela calling me. Mark and I each came to the defense of our birth child and quickly brought ourselves back to awareness of what was happening. It was time to have a family meeting and briefly describe the drama triangle, a recovery tool I taught Mark that helps us a lot everyday.
1997 - My son visited with my mother and twin sister again not too long ago. My mother just asked how I was doing and clammed up when Johnny tried to speak about everything that happened. My twin sister, Carol, didn't express any grief about losing our relationship. My son asked if I wanted to drive by my twin sister's house just to look. I don't feel the need to. I have let them go. However, I don't understand a mother and twin sister's lack of compassion or grief at the loss of our relationship.
During the hard years of grief I felt at the loss of my family, I read about the man in NY who stabbed and killed his pregnant wife and injured himself to make it look like they'd been mugged. The author wrote, "And if we can't understand how that kind of mind works, we can feel grateful for that." I do feel grateful for that.
It will get better, one way or another. My mother had a favorite saying from the bible (sort of).
"It came to pass. It didn't come to STAY."
CJ"This is a VERY good thought - but I say this too shall pass I just hope it doesn't take me with it :O)" Debbie
1998 - I e-mailed my son a quick message about how happy I was that survivors were letting me know that my webpages were making a difference.
My son e-mailed me that he'd talked to my twin sister just a few days earlier, and he gave me all the gossip about how well they're all doing.
It caught me by complete surprise to hear about them, and to hear that they seem to be doing just fine. My twin sister's family, my neice Cheryl and her daughter, now live together. Reminds me of reading how those with emotional investments of keeping the secrets tighten their bonds. My 89 year old mother is doing great - still living alone and driving. My sister Pat is suffering from lung problems.
My reality check bounced!
I sobbed for several hours and in despair wrote and called my fellow survivors for assistance in getting thru the feelings. One pointed out that it didn't sound like they were just fine, altho that may be the image I was buying. Thank you!
I finally e-mailed my son not to share that info with me unless he asked me first, he apologized, and I went to bed feeling numb.
I woke up the next day feeling like my better self, thank God.
Incest survivors - do you have family in denial claiming they're just F-I-N-E?
F___ed up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional
"I know this is scary. But you've got to let go of one end of the pool if you're going to paddle to the other side."
- Dr. Laura SchlessingerI'm not just 'fine'. I'm better than that. I'm real. Yes, it is worth it. And I like real people - my fellow survivors.
I read somewhere that if you pity someone you were abused by them. I have been pondering that if you pity someone, you've turned the anger due them inward.
Years later my incest history can intrude on my life and I have difficulty sharing it with a doctor.
Found some simple guidelines on stopping the worrying.
rating=10:
The bible for incest recovery.
"I had started therapy and eventually had a breakdown (not something you need to do) at home, three days and nights, remembering my father's rapes and my mother's knowledge. This book was my bible to get thru an horrendous period of time. When something else came up for me, I'd frantically peruse the pages for a hint of what I needed to get thru this. I got the answers I needed to guide me thru. I believe my breakdown was my choice in order to make quick psychological lifesaving decisions regarding my family. If you have questions about this issue, this book will have the answers or direction for you to go for an answer. If you are in pain regarding these issues, this is the first book you need. And hang in there cuz it won’t feel like this forever and life can get so much better."
Cheryl Moore Barron
